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University

University is just as difficult. Finding the motivation to do work sometimes feels ridiculously unable to achieve. At the start, I was struggling to eat, function like a human being.

But luckily, I owe my continued success to the people around me, who constantly go out of their way to raise me up and help me out.

It took me 20 years to figure out that my friends and family are always the most important thing in my life. In order to get better, you really do have to have a strong support system around you.

Pressure

I don't think I have any other memories of Sixth Form remaining. They were the first to go, worn down by the countless hours I spent ████████████████.

School

I grew up being told by everything and everyone I know that I was going to be something, 

someone great.

It took me several years after that to get my head out of my ass and realise that I wanted to be just like everybody else.

Still myself, still me, just kinder, less convinced I was the smartest person in the room.

Sometimes, I think about the life I would've had if I'd have continued to push my limits, worked too hard, studying Engineering somewhere.

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Disconnection

Sometimes I sit on the bus in a morning, and I gaze out of the window, feeling not at all like myself. 

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Year 5

In Year 5 I moved schools,

I was nervous ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Luckily, everything seemed to go fine for the first few weeks.

I met my best friend, and we're still best friends now.

But soon I began to realise that I didn't quite fit. I was a little eccentric and precocious, and unafraid to speak my mind. 

A little target was painted square on my forehead.

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That's what they called me for almost a year. An ableist slur, though I did not know this at the time. 

At the beginning, I was unaffected, but gradually I wore away.

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Later that night, I went home, and my mum scolded me for not telling her I was being bullied.

I hadn't even known, at that point, that bullying could be more than being physically attacked.

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Even now, I still can't quite form the word in my mouth. It's just a word, a slur, but I can't even begin to try to say it. 

I hear many of my peers still saying it, though. Not to me anymore, but it hurts just as much.

Isolation

I'm really doing all I can. I know it's hard to believe sometimes, considering

the days upon days upon days I lie in bed.

I want to be better.

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